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For the record, I only got stuck with 'weasel' because of an animal horoscope quiz I took while attending the local Christmas celebrations!

You were rewarded for your participation with a sugar sculpture of the animal in question.

I'm certain if there had been any significantly more noble and majestic animals left, I would have gotten one of those instead.

[ At least 'weasel' is an upgrade from Dante calling him mint? Or carp. Or kudzu. ]

Of course I have a shower.

Ugh, fine. I may as well give you the grand tour of the building, anyway.

[ a weasel IS an upgrade from a carp or mint. it's up in the air about the kudzu. that plant has Guts too. ]

Ah. I see. Well. Maybe it's good that he didn't have any majestic animals left. Can you imagine turning into a Unicorn or Lion in the middle of your office? That'd chase away clients... heheh...

[ but that's neither here nor there. ]

Our last office was just two hotel rooms with a wall knocked out between them...

This space is much bigger. I'm a little excited to see what's up there...

[ he has no idea. ]

[ Doesn't that make YOU the kudzu, Dante? ]

I don't know about that. The right animal could've been a selling point for our office.

Why, imagine if I'd been cursed to turn into a keen-eyed hawk. Fierce and observant, just as one surely wants their lawyer to be.

Or, hell, even something like a unicorn could've had its advantages. After all, unicorns are an excellent judge of innocence and purity, so we could turn that reputation in our clients' favor.

[ Talk like this is ABSOLUTELY why he isn't a unicorn. You can't just weaponize purity in the corrupt's favor, Moriarty, and expect to land a Light-aligned animal like that. ]

Bah. What's done is done, so I suppose there's no use crying over spilt milk.

Follow me.

[ He leads the way toward the stairs. ]

There's a couple floors to this building, actually.

I own the whole thing, but it's technically more space than I strictly need.

I haven't found a purpose for all of it yet.

There's still hope, then. What if I get an animal curse and I get to be a unicorn?

[ this man has no idea that he's a jack frost waiting to happen. ]

I guess I get where you're coming from but... heheh. You're right. Glass half empty, glass half full, huh?

[ he's gonna leave the handkerchief on the coffee table and flounce off after Moriarty, excited to see the top floor.

Up the stairs and...

.... ]

Empty.

[ EMPTY. ...EMPTY? IT CAN'T BE--EMPTY, RIGHT?

Scuse me, pardon me mori he's moving past you to inspect on his own now.
bedrooms

living room

dining room?!

KITCHEN?!

BATHROOM?!

IT'S ALL FUCKING EMPTY. ]

[ he's going to WHIRL AROUND and look at Moriarty, ACCUSINGLY. ]

mio Dio, how do you LIVElike this?!

Did you seriously outfit the entire office than just--STOP!?

Highly unlikely.

[ Dante Alighieri is many things, but a unicorn is not one of them. Moriarty can't picture it.

Of course, as soon as they go upstairs, Dante has a mental breakdown in the face of the sheer potential of the undecorated rooms. Moriarty merely stares back at him, shameless. What. He just told you he hasn't found purpose for all this space yet. ]

The magical coupon I acquired applied only to one room, so I used it for our office downstairs, as there was no other feasible way to replicate our belongings from another universe.

Also, need I remind you that—as a Servant—I don't require sleep?

So I've spent most of my time downstairs, obviously.

[ NORMALLY he'd ask the other to have some WHIMSY about the whole animal thing but that's out the window, now!!

He's gesturing !!! AT THE EMPTINESS. ]

Okay, so.... you got a 'get everything you want for free' card to fill out the main room... but that still doesn't explain why it's dead empty up here...

We only had our space in Hell, but why wouldn't you utilize every bit of space you have? There's an entire KITCHEN up here...

Who cares of you don't require sleep. Napping still feels good, and winding down and stopping for a bit keeps the mind fresh, you absolute fool...

...

We're going shopping. Right now.

?

[ Moriarty legitimately doesn't seem to understand why Dante is so outraged, which is probably more infuriating than if he was deliberately provoking his (legal) partner. ]

Because I haven't needed it?

We got by perfectly well in Purgatory with just the office, as it was.

I took the entire building simply because it was offered to me, and it ensured I would never have to pay rent—unlike the Granato, so we're already ahead in that regard.

[ He's simply looking at this as their office with a bonus empty building attached. If they need it, it's there, but he's been doing perfectly fine with what he's established already. ]

Ow, ow—isn't this an excessive amount of force?!

[ HE'S BEING DRAGGED BACK DOWN THE STAIRS AND TOWARD THE DOOR BY AN ANGRY ITALIAN??? ]

No! It isn't enough force! Who gets an entire house for free and lets half of it go unused? Especially when there are such wonderful stores in town, with such generous people in the city...

We're going right now.

Miss Lauma told me about a wonderful place where they even give away fantastic things for free if you're low on cash...

Heheh...

Which maybe we are.
I have some money but.

Free is best...

Edited 2026-01-30 02:09 (UTC)

[ Generous? MAYBE TO YOU, BUT MOST PEOPLE REACT TO THE NAME "JAMES MORIARTY" LIKE THEY JUST FOUND OUT THEY HAVE A BLACK MOLD INFESTATION. ]

Normally I would agree with the sentiment 'free is best', however—OW!!

MUST YOU HASTEN ME ALONG, DANTE?!?!

[ The funny thing is he could probably tear his arm free if he tried hard enough, but he's frankly so baffled by Dante's indignant fervor that it doesn't occur to him to try. ]

[ yeah well most people weren't rescued from the garbage from One James Moriarty so his opinion of you is at least a little positive and a little less biased towards fungus. He just thinks you're Mint, not a Mushroom. ]

Walk faster and I would not have to...

You're a servant, you can keep a pace better than this...

Heheh...

Unless you don't like shopping at all. Are you one of those people...?

Oh, so now being a Servant is relevant to the discussion?

Not the fact that our bodies don't require food or sleep the same way humans do, let's ignore that entirely, but you're right: I can indeed move faster than this.

[ Despite his bitching, he WILL speed up, BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO LIKE IT. ]

I like shopping just fine, thank you.

I just don't see why this merits such a mad dash to the store in question.

Yes. Because things like food and sleep are fun. [ duh, Moriarty. ]

Anyway... we're rushing because it's a goodwill, right... other people could take up the good stuff if we dilly-dally...

Heheh...

You know the saying about early birds and worms.

Wait, we're going to the Goodwill?

[ He's been there. Quite notoriously, in fact. ]

Why didn't you say so?

Oh? So you've already been to the goodwill before?

That saves me some directional problems then...

I actually have no idea where to find it.

[ YES HE WAS JUST WALKING IN A RANDOM DIRECTION He'd planned on getting his phone out later... google maps... ]

Now you can lead the way. ~

‎

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE IT IS?!

[ After dragging Moriarty out of their office like that, too! THE AUDACITY OF THIS MAN. Moriarty physically stops, having to take a moment to pinch the brow of his nose and mutter a rapid string of numbers under his breath—likely reciting digits of pi in an effort to keep himself from throttling his partner. ]

Yes. I can lead the way there.

We were going in entirely the wrong direction, just so you know.

[ he spins on his heel and goes in the other direction, then, pointing as if to ask, what, is it this way, then? ]

You could have said that from the start.

[ yeah he had no fucking idea. ]

I HAD NO IDEA WHERE YOU WERE TAKING ME!!!

[ For a pair of self-professed lawyers, they really need to work on their communication skills.

Moriarty, of course, turns around as well, storming after him. Even if Dante isn't man-handling him down the street at this point, like Moriarty is going to let him get away after that. ]

Do you want me to lead the way or not?!

I said we were going to the Goodwill earlier. [ NO HE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DIDN'T. ]

Or maybe I just thought I said it but I didn't say it at all...

Heheh... I can't remember.

[ he DOES pause, though, letting Moriarty lead the way. See, he can be reasonable. ]

What's it like, then?

The Goodwill.
Miss Lauma said it was a wonderful place...

[ Moriarty narrows his eyes suspiciously. DANTE DEFINITELY DID NOT SAY THAT. He was too busy huffing about how offended he was by Moriarty's lack of furniture to mention where he wanted the two of them to go. ]

I am not a mind reader.

You must use your words, out loud, if you expect me to follow whatever meandering path your thoughts have taken.

[ He does take the lead now, escorting Dante to the Goodwill even if he's still going to snark at him the whole way about this. ]

She is correct.

There are a wide selection of items available and plenty of value to be found if you're willing to sort through the chaff.

I quite like it there.

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