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[ ...before going absolutely belly-up on the couch with raucous laughter at the absolute COMEDY he just witnessed. Wheeze. Cough. Sob. Hack.

He's going to choke from laughing so hard. ]

STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!!!

[ This might very well be the worst day of his technically extremely short life?!

Maybe he's still asleep and this is actually just a nightmare. That would be preferable, actually.

Wake up wake up wake up wake up— ]

I--I can't... I can't help it...

I can't...

You just... so animated... you...

Bounced and... right back to...

Square one...

[ help him, he's got tears coming from the corners of his eyes... ]

...hehehh... well... we did try...

This confounding curse!!

[ He can't even be mad at the person who got him into this mess, because it was wholly unintentional.

Moriarty bares his tiny fangs with frustration as Dante wheezes with laughter. Determined to prove he really can put mind over matter, he darts behind the opposite couch. This will be easier if he can't feel Dante's eyes on him.

Concentrating, Moriarty shuts out the world around him, focusing on the one thing he can truly rely on: mathematics.

Moriarty basically sits there reciting the digits of pi to himself until the embarrassing pounding of his pulse fades and he's able to block out the recent memory of Dante's gleeful laughter. ]

[ When he successfully transforms back, he pops out of hiding. ]

There!

You see?!?

I'm fine!

[ Just ignore the blood trickling down the side of his face. ]

[ it's funny
its so funny, he's sorry he can't HELP it
here he is, having had a nice, cozy nap for little over an hour or two--only to be back to Weasel Town. All because he got so flustered at sleeping like that?

Ah, what a silly prude.

He's wiping the tears from his eyes by the time Moriarty jumps up and Dante takes a long look at him.

Moving to stand... taking a handkerchief out of his pocket to ...

definitely not dab delicately at the blood on his face. Scrub scrub --stop struggling come here!! ]

You're bleeding...

[ It wasn't so much finding himself intimately entangled with Dante that gave him a partial heart attack, so much as being confronted with the Italian man's shockingly pretty features at such close range. Damn him and his incredible eyelashes and his stupidly soulful gray eyes. ]

Are you deaf? I said I'm fine.

[ Such a small injury will patch itself up before long. He's clearly chosen to pretend it's not even there. ]

[ said soulful grey eyes are staring right into those deep black ones now so don't panic and re-weasel, now. ]

I heard you.
But we have five senses. Sight and Smell are telling me more than Hearing is. And it's that you hurt yourself when you hit your head.

Even if you'll heal quickly...

Heheh.

There's blood in your hair... look...

Potential clients will be reassured knowing their lawyer can take a hit or two and still keep working.

[ Okay, what kind of insane logic is that? He's just stubbornly digging in his heels on this issue. ]

Anyway, yes, you've found out my terrible secret.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

[ ...Hm.
Something about Moriarty's words... sting. The way he sees it, he would have found out the man's secret sooner or later, but he supposed Moriarty would have rather TOLD him than to find out by force like that.

Ah, did he overstep?

He's staring a little long and quiet at his (legal) partner with that miles-away stare he gets sometimes when he has some sort of stunning clarity, brilliant idea ... but then he often just giggles or says nothing.

Hm.
Hmhmhm. ]

I don't think it's a terrible secret...

I think I'm better off knowing. That this can happen to you.

Heheh... after all, if it happens at inopportune times and I know it...

I'll be able to protect you.

You don't think me being cursed to assume the form of a weasel is terrible?

[ What the hell is Dante going on about now? ]

You, protect me?

My class resistances are much better than yours.

And my class offenses are better than yours!

[ FUCKIN

PISS OFF YOU -- JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE-- ]

I was trying to be nice.

[ Dante does have him on that point, however— ]

Oh, sorry, when you said you would protect me, I assumed you were volunteering to be a meat shield of sorts.

[ HE'S ABSOLUTELY NOT SORRY. IN FACT, HE'S ROLLING HIS EYES RIGHT NOW. ]

Who would want to be a meat shield?! Do you think I like getting hit??

Of course I'm going to use my sword. I still have it, you know.

Isn't that the entire point of your third skill?

Servants with Guts usually end up having to use it, you know.

[ Skill issue, really. Dante could've had a nice Evade in his kit instead, like Moriarty. ]

Just because I have Guts doesn't mean that I'm totally ready to want to use it at any point!!

[ ~~nevermind the fact that prince hasn't regained it yet so that'll be an awful surprise if he dies before I do.~~ ]

If I'm going to get into a fight, I'll want to win.

I should hope so. You're of little use to me dead.

[ Although the words seem quite callous in a vacuum, the comment comes across more as infuriating than actually cruel. Dante often mocks Moriarty for his questionable social skills, and moments like this prove him right. There are about a million better ways Moriarty could've phrased that. ]

However, if I truly believed you lacked any sort of spine, I would have left you in that trash heap back in Purgatory.

Heheh... You're exhausting. [ because yes
any other person might take in this conversation, take offense to it, and find a reason to start an argument with it. But he knows how to read between the lines. of course he does--he's an author.

He knows Moriarty's comment of 'you're no used to me dead' means that he likes having him around. In his own weird lack of social skills away.

Dante rolls his eyes. ]

No wonder this world cursed you to turn into a weasel...

You have the social skills of one...

[ he puts a hand on his head and gives it a small shake. ]

Come on. Let's get you upstairs--you have a shower, right? We should at least clean the blood off you...

For the record, I only got stuck with 'weasel' because of an animal horoscope quiz I took while attending the local Christmas celebrations!

You were rewarded for your participation with a sugar sculpture of the animal in question.

I'm certain if there had been any significantly more noble and majestic animals left, I would have gotten one of those instead.

[ At least 'weasel' is an upgrade from Dante calling him mint? Or carp. Or kudzu. ]

Of course I have a shower.

Ugh, fine. I may as well give you the grand tour of the building, anyway.

[ a weasel IS an upgrade from a carp or mint. it's up in the air about the kudzu. that plant has Guts too. ]

Ah. I see. Well. Maybe it's good that he didn't have any majestic animals left. Can you imagine turning into a Unicorn or Lion in the middle of your office? That'd chase away clients... heheh...

[ but that's neither here nor there. ]

Our last office was just two hotel rooms with a wall knocked out between them...

This space is much bigger. I'm a little excited to see what's up there...

[ he has no idea. ]

[ Doesn't that make YOU the kudzu, Dante? ]

I don't know about that. The right animal could've been a selling point for our office.

Why, imagine if I'd been cursed to turn into a keen-eyed hawk. Fierce and observant, just as one surely wants their lawyer to be.

Or, hell, even something like a unicorn could've had its advantages. After all, unicorns are an excellent judge of innocence and purity, so we could turn that reputation in our clients' favor.

[ Talk like this is ABSOLUTELY why he isn't a unicorn. You can't just weaponize purity in the corrupt's favor, Moriarty, and expect to land a Light-aligned animal like that. ]

Bah. What's done is done, so I suppose there's no use crying over spilt milk.

Follow me.

[ He leads the way toward the stairs. ]

There's a couple floors to this building, actually.

I own the whole thing, but it's technically more space than I strictly need.

I haven't found a purpose for all of it yet.

There's still hope, then. What if I get an animal curse and I get to be a unicorn?

[ this man has no idea that he's a jack frost waiting to happen. ]

I guess I get where you're coming from but... heheh. You're right. Glass half empty, glass half full, huh?

[ he's gonna leave the handkerchief on the coffee table and flounce off after Moriarty, excited to see the top floor.

Up the stairs and...

.... ]

Empty.

[ EMPTY. ...EMPTY? IT CAN'T BE--EMPTY, RIGHT?

Scuse me, pardon me mori he's moving past you to inspect on his own now.
bedrooms

living room

dining room?!

KITCHEN?!

BATHROOM?!

IT'S ALL FUCKING EMPTY. ]

[ he's going to WHIRL AROUND and look at Moriarty, ACCUSINGLY. ]

mio Dio, how do you LIVElike this?!

Did you seriously outfit the entire office than just--STOP!?

Highly unlikely.

[ Dante Alighieri is many things, but a unicorn is not one of them. Moriarty can't picture it.

Of course, as soon as they go upstairs, Dante has a mental breakdown in the face of the sheer potential of the undecorated rooms. Moriarty merely stares back at him, shameless. What. He just told you he hasn't found purpose for all this space yet. ]

The magical coupon I acquired applied only to one room, so I used it for our office downstairs, as there was no other feasible way to replicate our belongings from another universe.

Also, need I remind you that—as a Servant—I don't require sleep?

So I've spent most of my time downstairs, obviously.

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